I have this vision of us as a child, reaching for your mother in a moment of pain – likely an ear abscess, which you were prone to the first 11 years of our life – and not only being denied comfort, but being physically struck by the hand of a woman that was exhausted and discouraged. She was completely unaware of the mechanics of behavioral patterns in their initial stage, so she had no idea that her action set in motion decades of layers of emotional and mental health issues. Had she known I believe she never would have struck us. Had she known she likely would have found the private space to forgive herself and the ancestral line that passed on all manner of cold, dark and complex self loathing and self denial.
I do not want to leave this place without ending this nightmare. You have tirelessly assisted me in my service work for decades now, without the healing process completing for you. I have been able to gaze under the masks and behind the walls of strangers, but have not pierced the innermost place where your fiction was produced. Bodies are related, so I really have had no mother or father, siblings or children. The Self has existed long before this incarnation, and will exist long after it, so all relatives in this life are your relations.
I had spent several weeks in deep contemplation back in 2003, right after I had become aware of my awakening, masterfully breaking down the relationship that we had with your mother and father. The idea at the time was to come to a fully realized understanding of their actions over the years that I had clear memories of, and once the mechanics of the experiences were discovered, to release the obsolete feelings still present in us in an act of forgiveness. I knew that true forgiveness was not possible unless there was true understanding of why bad things happen between otherwise good people.
Back in 2003 I was not aware of there being a ‘core’ pattern to our creative and behavioral life. I was still out on the arms of the spiral, having come to a healthier awareness of my relationship between me and the general population, on to friendships and relatives, on to lovers and influential intimates, and then at the time immediate family members. I was not aware that the spiral continued to the relationship between me and you, and finalized with me standing before a mirror to know my Self. I have seen this same spiral of relationship awareness with others I have worked with over the years, where it is processed from the external to the core of the internal.
It was easy having found forgiveness for your parents. You cannot blame people for what they dream. We even came to some level of forgiveness between me and you, as I could not blame you for what you dreamed. It is only recently after having finished with the spiral and the mirror years ago that I find myself retracing my steps back to when it was just me and you. I have come to know something now that I did not know back then, and I ask forgiveness from you for my ignorance. I was so busy establishing what I was in relationship to you, and how I was superior to you, that I forgot to help you forgive yourself. I clinically called your pain the ‘script’. I objectified your fiction so it was not my reality, but left you to continue to suffer while I perfected my detachment from your attachments.
The process of detachment worked, so why bother with the body’s fiction? I was still seeing your behavioral patterns rise and fall, but the more awake I got the less frequent and less severe were the side effects on me. I was on call around the clock to serve other Selves in their awakening process. I did my healings on their bodies to make their Self more comfortable. I proclaimed numerous times that there are two consciousnesses present in every ‘person’ – the Self and the body – but like a xenophobe I shunned bodies as the distasteful base vehicles we were forced to be hosted by. What a fool I have been. You were not my burden. It is only because of your amazing complexity and perfection that I am even able to sit here and express this awareness.
I do not know for sure whether that vision of us being struck by your mother was a real memory, or just your/our imagination…but I do know this…you did not deserve to be struck in your time of need. You were not the one at fault. You know you can forgive your mother for striking you. Is there any way that I can convince you to forgive yourself for perpetuating a script of fear of rejection, attraction of limitation, need of control over your environment and having pushed away anyone that ever dared to love you? Can you not see that one possible unconscious act was a domino that fell into another and another. Your mother did not push the first domino – I would imagine that initial causal act goes back hundreds, perhaps thousands of years.
Your fears are an inheritance, not created by you, and not repeated by you consciously. I know you, having been along for the ride all these years. I know your love is like a supernova poised to explode at any moment. I see how you have cried for everyone but yourself…not infrequently, but every day when you witness suffering. I know the angel on the left shoulder has most always won the fight with the devil on the right one. I know how many years you have quietly without any fanfare helped those in need without expectations of reward. I know how very much you deserve to be loved, and crave it, too.
Your mother is not the one continuing to strike you. That action happened once. Every strike after that is what you attracted to yourself in hopes of understanding her actions that day. You deserved to be picked up that day and comforted and coddled for the wonderful miracle that you were. Stop believing the lie. Please forgive me for playing a role in your creation of neglect and being loathed. I will not read from that obsolete script ever again.
It has been an honor to travel the thousands upon thousands of miles of road that we trekked down. We were quite the team in all of those adventures and learning experiences. I am still in awe of your courage and fortitude over the years. You had every right to have withdrawn into a tight ball hosting the likes of me – but you carried on, nervous albeit, but ever ready for a challenge. I know our time together grows short. When my time does arrive to go alone into the mystery that faces me, I will never forget this lifetime with you.
~ DC Vision